Recently, I got the opportunity to invite Jennifer Goldman Wetzler to talk with me on the podcast. She’s the author of the book Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself From Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life. And since none of us is immune to conflict, I am excited to share this new take on an age-old issue. Let’s dig in.

Before we got into the details, Jennifer gave me a disclaimer. If I, or anyone who picks up her book, is looking for another take on conflict resolution, then we’ve come to the wrong place. Instead of teaching conflict resolution, Jennifer teaches people “how to deal with it.”

Starting with a Story

Jennifer is no stranger to conflict. She began to tell me about a recurring conflict that she had with her mom, and how these problems opened her eyes about conflict in general:

“My mom and I would really be at each other’s throats. She wanted me to call her more often and I just felt like my life is so crazy busy. I’m a working mother. I have two young children. I have a burgeoning career. I’m running around all the time and she would just want me to drop everything and talk to her. The moment that she called […]. And so, of course, we would just get into these screaming matches where one of us would fling down the phone.”

It turns out that Jennifer and her mother shared a conflict habit that Jennifer calls “Blame and Attack.” When her mother would call and expect an in-the-moment conversation, Jennifer took it as an attack. She felt that her mother’s questions — “Why don’t you call me more often? What’s wrong with you? — were nothing but a pointed finger of blame. And, of course, Jennifer responded with the very same habit: to blame and attack her mother for being unrealistic about Jennifer’s busy schedule.

“We were stuck.” It was then that Jennifer realized that the “stuck” feeling — where we feel backed into a corner — is when our conflict habits come into play.

Eventually, Jennifer acknowledged that she and her mother couldn’t continue on like this. And by using the practices that she writes about in her book and the Optimal Outcomes Method, she was able to free herself from this conflict, leading to a “vastly different relationship today.”

Jennifer explained that each of us needs to work on “freeing ourselves from conflict” instead of trying to resolve it. And how do we do this?  By identifying which “conflict habits” have kept us stuck.

Some Common “Conflict Habits”

During our discussion, I asked Jennifer to outline a few other conflict habits. I found that each of the habits she discussed seemed familiar. I think we can all recognize these habits in ourselves or someone around us:

Blame and Shame:  “For some of us, if we see that we’re stuck in a conflict, we might go into very negative self-talk. [Even though] we might be intentionally trying to make things better, fix the situation, fix ourselves, figure out what’s wrong, and make it better,” negative self-talk doesn’t ever resolve or free us from anything.

Shutting Down: “[This] can be helpful — but not in a habitual way — typically because it just allows things to brew.” In other words, walking away from conflict can sometimes be healthy, but when we walk away as a conflict habit, it’s just avoidance masked as freedom.

Relentlessly Collaborating: “We’ve all been taught in this day and age, in organizations in particular, that collaboration is where it’s at.” But Jennifer was sure to clarify that collaboration, on work projects for example, is not the problem. It’s relentlessly trying to collaborate with an unwilling partner that can be unhealthy.

When we recognize our conflict habits, then we have the chance to “take pattern-breaking action.” This includes stopping, acknowledging that you’re stuck, and asking yourself what you can do instead of relying on your conflict habits.

Jen’s TedTalk

Inspiration Behind the Book

I was curious about what inspired and informed Jennifer’s simple, yet eye-opening, ideas. And I must admit, she didn’t give me the answer I expected:

“The whole methodology is based on my research into wisdom. I spent five years in graduate school studying how people get stuck in longterm conflict. At the end of those five years, I realized that I could spend my entire life just looking at the complex causes of recurring conflict and I would never have anything to say about how [to free ourselves from] it.”

That’s when Jennifer started looking into wisdom literature — looking at people like Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther King, Jr., Gandhi,  and how they responded to conflict. With regard to inevitable conflict, Jennifer wondered, “what does it mean to be a wise person?”

Jennifer then created this Optimal Outcomes Method based on qualities that wise people are shown to have. Her experience, her teaching at Columbia University, her research into the wisdom literature — all have informed her methodology, leading her to help readers “imagine a different future” just like Martin Luther King, Jr. did in his “I Have a Dream” speech.

Envisioning the Future and Taking Action

So what does envisioning the future have to do with freedom from conflict? According to Jennifer, just about everything. When we experience habitual conflict, we should ask ourselves, “What do we want the future to look like?” Jennifer added that it’s important to “[use] all five of our senses and our emotions to imagine what would we like to see happen.”

Once we envisioned ourselves in that future state, free from conflict, Jennifer advised that we take simple, measurable action steps to get there. We should also set aside time to think about possible obstacles to that future we want to attain and how we’ll deal with them if and when they arise. 

Find Out More

As you can probably guess, there’s so much more to learn about freeing ourselves from conflict. If you’re interested in finding out more about Jennifer’s work, go ahead and pick up her book, Optimal Outcomes: Free Yourself From Conflict at Work, at Home, and in Life.  Or, you can click on over to her website where you can find free resources like templates, quizzes, and more info to get you started on the path toward freedom.

And while you’re clicking, please go over to Apple Podcasts and leave us a review. I also love hearing from our listeners, so reach out to me on LinkedIn or Instagram, and let me know how this podcast has helped you. Hope to talk to you soon!

🎧 Listen to the Interview