This article is part of a series of blog posts entitled, “What’s Xenium Reading?” To find out more about this series, click here. This week’s post features Lacey Halpern, an HR Business Partner at Xenium.
I’ve always been someone that has had a passion for personal development work, and over the last year took on this work from a whole new place. I was recommended to read The Gifts of Imperfection from a mentor I was working with at the time, who thought the research that Brene Brown did around vulnerability and perfectionism would be a good fit for me. I tend to be much harder on myself than is necessary and finding the balance of reaching for lofty goals and overly critiquing yourself can be a challenge for many people.
I really enjoyed the quirky nature of this book, it’s very funny, written in a casual language that really kept me engaged. It’s written from Brene Brown’s perspective, and she truly speaks from her heart throughout it. Her authenticity, a large theme in the book, is what draws you in. She is relatable, not just some guru or expert talking down to you and making you feel bad. She shares her struggles with the same challenges that the reader is or has experienced. Balancing work and home life, being too hard on yourself, expectations – she speaks about the power that lies in becoming who you are.
Having read a lot of self-help and development books over the years, I have seen that much of the time they include principles to put into action, practices to try to implement in your life. Brene’s book does the same but in a way that questions the current state of your life, work and relationships while providing you nine guideposts in the way she shares how she has personally implemented them to live a wholehearted life.
Brene Brown’s background is in research. My own degree in psychology has been an asset in the industry I am in—I didn’t go to school with the intention of working in business. I thought I’d be a therapist or a counselor. However, I’ve found myself in HR work and I absolutely love what I’m doing. I’m constantly amazed by how I’m able to apply what I learned in school to my work here, whether it be in counseling or mediation or other kinds of conversations with clients.
Brene’s research and counseling background finds its way into her work as well. She has done a significant amount of research on shame, and finding where shame comes from. Her works led her to work to discover how the people she was talking had come to live what she called “wholehearted lives”. That’s where she came up with these guideposts about how to be your true self.
Favorite Quotes
“Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each one of them – we can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” -Brene Brown
The idea here is that the relationships that we have around us are a reflection of ourselves and the relationship we have with ourselves is fascinating to me. I have learned how important it is to take care of myself and make sure my cup is full so that I’m able to give fully and genuinely to others— to my family, my friends, and my coworkers and clients.
“Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen…Vulnerability sounds like truth and feels like courage. Truth and courage aren’t always comfortable, but they’re never weakness.” -Brene Brown
Brene spends a lot of time talking about authenticity and vulnerability. While this is often very frightening to most, even to me, it is so true that we cannot be truly intimate or close with people until we can be vulnerable with them, which means sharing our experiences, even the dark ones. By giving that inner person inside ourselves a voice, we empower ourselves.
Favorite Guideposts
Cultivating Intuition and Trusting Faith: Letting Go of the Need for Certainty
I tend to worry lot, even worry about things that have no basis for even happening yet. In the work I do, we deal with risk a lot, we try to avoid it at every turn. We never know how something will turn out in the end, and people are difficult to predict. Our job is to advise on making the best choice that we can in the moment and by giving our clients options to choose from we are able to advise about the risks on a spectrum. I have often struggled with the unknown in my life and avoided situations where it was difficult to predict outcomes. The practice of trusting, letting go and giving it up to a higher power is a really important practice for me.
Cultivating Play and Rest: Letting Go of Exhaustion as a Status Symbol and Productivity as Self-Worth
I have been someone who likes to move quickly, be busy and usually have a packed schedule. What I am learning is that being busy has an opportunity cost. For me, this learning has changed the way I approach the types of things I’m involved in. When someone asks how I’m doing, responding with “I’m busy!” is not who I want to be. If my values are to be available for people and a support for those around me, then demonstrating those things by making time for those I care about is critical.
Cultivating Meaningful Work: Letting Go of Self-Doubt and ‘Supposed To’
Someone once told me, “Stop should-ing yourself.” Stop saying “I should have done this” or “we should” or “you should.” I’ve tried to take that word out of my vocabulary. Brene talks about perspective being a choice, and when we use the word ’should’ I think we create shame and blame when it isn’t necessary.
Thoughts on Audiobooks
This is actually the first audiobook I’ve ever purchased, and I was amazed at how quickly I was able to get through it. The audio runs 4 hours and 46 minutes, and it took me around two weeks to finish. I have an active four-year-old and a very busy work schedule, and when I do have free time outside of work I really love to spend time outdoors. Logistically, finding the time for personal development can be a challenge. Given that I spend a lot of time in my car for work between client meetings, listening to this book was a great way to get myself in a good space before arriving at work in the mornings, before meetings or on the way home in the evenings.
Something I did miss about the audiobook, though, was having the physical book to go back through and flag pages. At the same time, I’m not sure I’d have been able to get through it as quickly as I did if I didn’t have the audiobook.
I’ve just started another of Brene Brown’s books, Daring Greatly, and finished her audiobook The Gifts of Imperfect Parenting which was just as life changing for me as The Gifts of Imperfection. Learning more about vulnerability and how to implement being brave and authentic into my family, parenting, and client work has been a great journey.